you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
