Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
