Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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