Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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