his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
