Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
