I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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