Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
