I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
