I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
