I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
