we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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