Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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