I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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