when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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