I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
