hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
