YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
