do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
