what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
