Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
