In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
