I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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