to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
