I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
