The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
