You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
