His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
