I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
