I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize