Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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