Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
