Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
