First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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