at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
