Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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