Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
