They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
