Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
