yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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