Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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