I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize