Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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