Got a toothbrush?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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