my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
