Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
