Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
