I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
