Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
