have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
