ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
