Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have so many feelings about this burrito
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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