I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
