I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize