omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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