Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
