Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
