how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
