the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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