Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
