someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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