plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize