I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
