I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
