So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
