Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
