i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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