Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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