So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
