A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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