Will you blow on my dice?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
